By Bonnie Brown

Columnist

I begin each day with coffee, breakfast, tidy up the house, then get dressed followed by applying makeup while Tom spends time in his office reading and catching up on email.   I have seriously been analyzing my routine so as to save a little time.  

As I was getting my clothes out to put on, it occurred to me that my underwear might substitute for the feather duster I normally use, which is not actually made of feathers but rather microfiber “feathers” that do a decent job of grabbing the dust.  Or at least disturbing it enough that it seems to disappear.  I keep the feather duster under the sink in the kitchen so by using my white cotton undies (too much information?), I save a trip to the kitchen, and can give a few swipes to the furniture to re-distribute the dust, thus saving time.  

Next, I move on to the “glam” part of my routine–applying makeup.  I quickly grabbed my moisturizer and swiped it on rapidly, only to discover that I covered my wrinkly face, not with the moisturizer but I had mistakenly grabbed the frizz control cream I use on my hair!  Similar containers and near the same location but big difference in the outcome, although it did occur to me that the single hair that springs from a mole on my chin might benefit from the de-frizzing.  So of course, I have to wash my face again and begin anew.  As I start to apply my foundation, I realize that I had forgotten to brush my teeth.  Of course, I reach for the toothpaste and remember that I recently read that you only need to use a small “dot” of toothpaste and not cover the top of the brush as the toothpaste ads claim.  I stand there while I contemplate whether to apply a dot or a full swipe of toothpaste to my toothbrush.  How much time did I waste there?  Not sure.  

I am distracted by my eyebrows and see a few strays that need to be plucked.  I think that if I more aggressively pluck, perhaps I can skip a few days.  After I have used the tweezers for a couple of minutes, I realize to my horror that I have over-achieved on this and now must apply more brow product to “flesh out” the look.  More wasted time!  

I finally make progress — foundation, blush, now for some eyeliner and mascara.  Done!  Then to apply some lipstick.  Nothing makes you sparkle like the perfect color of lipstick.  I had just bought some of the new lipstick that’s supposed to last from morning to night.  It was a deep coral.  I followed the directions for applying this all-day lip color formula that stays put.  It looked very dramatic and harsh, but I was certain the gloss that was part of the process would soften the look.  Wrong.  I looked like Phyllis Diller!  Not the sparkle I was expecting.  So, I proceeded to remove the lipstick.  Well, when they proclaim it as the “stay-put” lipstick, they weren’t kidding.  Looks like I’ll have to wait until evening for it to wear off.  Not the look I hoped to achieve.  

Poor Tom emerged from his office and took notice of my sparse eyebrows, the single chin hair, my tragic, smeared mouth, uncombed hair, and overall disheveled appearance.  He looked a little startled and definitely puzzled.   I know he wanted desperately to ask what had gone wrong but knew better.  Instead, I casually proclaimed that I was working on a modified morning routine to save time.  Time saved?  None!  Outcome?  Dreadful.